Inquirer: I want guidance. Badly. I want someone to show me the path. I am tired of these thoughts. I really do not know what I am doing why I am doing for what I am doing. Its just simple running and reaching no where. Your story where you said everything was ego trip. Even doing social work, etc. I feel the same many a times. Going to Farming is also sometimes ego trip. I want to do all these things but without any ego, without any attachment.
Light: so step 1 first atleast confirm whether its ego or not?
step 2 ask yourself do you know what is the meaning of ego? what is ego?
step 3 if you know the meaning of ego really then things will be more easy because once you know what it is then only
you will be back to figure out the next step... so take all these steps and see where do you reach from here :)
also same steps for attachment... what is attachment according to you? do you know??? and whatever you know about attachment is it really attachment what is the confirmation about it that its attachment only????
do some self reflection.... :) guidance is there with you 24x7….
Inquirer: 1) I feel that it is EGO.
2) Meaning of Ego - When I say that it is an Ego, because of few reasons
- I see myself doing things sometimes for the sake of pleasing others. I think it gives me that feeling of belongingness to the group, that acceptance wala feeling.
- Over period of time, I have realised that many a times I find myself in this state where I am doing things, but I am not totally there.
- I sometimes see myself talking few things just to get more praises. And then suddenly a thought comes why do I say all this. I should just be silent.
- Also sometimes when I do painting or drawing, I see myself thinking about how it will be when someone will praise my work. Its funny, I have not even made anything and yet I am thinking about praise. Its stupid. I stopped painting because of this. I said to myself I will paint or draw only when it comes or happens on its own. I realised that when I paint just to get praise I get tired or loose interest in doing it. Same sometimes happen with design work and with farming too. I do things to get praise. this is my ego only.
Light: What is ego? The term will be more clear if we use the sound energy through its sanskrit origin अहंकार (ahamkar). अ + ह + म + आकर
So if we will deeply contemplate on the origin first 3 sounds they are A+H+M which is more of a distorted version of A+U+M. AUM sound is non-distorted, purna, ceaseless, infinite, eternal, was there is there and will be there, unlimited. And when the A+U+M gets distorted the sound frequency changes and takes some shape which can be called as A+H+M Aakar. Remember Aakar is always limited. Therefore when unlimited lands into limit it is called aakar. To get into any aakar one has to squeeze its limits and horizons then only aakar can be created or else its not possible to create aakar for example space is aakarless, if you watch sky it has no aakar but if you see stars, sun, moon, and every other physical object that you can perceive through eyes all have its aakar because they have limited themselves to certain point in the space.
On the other hand there are also intangible thing which have its aakar which cannot be seen by naked human eyes but yet they exists such as air you can't see air but in atmosphere of earth it has its shape aakar and also when air gets entangled with earth it creates tornado which also has shape aakar. So anything that has aakar whether tangible or intangible is limited and this limited version is nothing but referred as ego. Be aware there is nothing good or bad about ego because its just kind of tool which can be either used wisely for greater expansion of consciousness or it can take one to the highest peak of arrogance and the lowest peak depression.
If we still want to understand in more simple way then that which limits you is ego. That which binds you in some conditions, boundaries, frames is ego. So prejudices, judgements, criticisms, likes-dislikes, good-bad feelings all have its aakar and hence they all are limited and that which is limited is EGO. So whatever you have shared above all has aakar which is called ahamkar, Re-read this article it will help you for opening up various layers of ego (http://manavjisahaj.blogspot.
The other simple way to understand ego is the presence of other. When other appears infront of us then there is a threatening to ego and so ego will try its best to either first impress other and if impression doesn't work, then ego will enter into challenging other, if that doesn't work then ego will criticise other and the cycle goes on and on... So OTHER is enemy of ego in subtle way because initially when other appears ego try to make friendship and give its best so that it doesn't have to enter into any competition but it that doesn't happen then ego will start the battle. Other is also dangerous for ego because it challenges its fundamental existence and so ego first compare where is it in comparison with other... if ego discovers that other is of equal caliber then ego first will try all its effort to impress and make friendship, if ego discovers that the other is far superior then ego will do all kind of service to Other in the name of respect or even fear because the Other is superior and if ego discovers that Other is far inferior then ego will kill Other or control other and make Other as his/her servant/slave.
Re-read whatever is shared above atleast 10 times and reflect on it. There is no need to believe in what is written above. Give it a test ride first, so in first reading if questions comes write it down. Then drop it for a day then next day re-read and see do you have same questions in your mind if yes then its ok nothing wrong about it let it be. Then re-read after few hours and check what happens. Read it minumum 3 times a day taking breaks of atleast 2-3 hours and see what happens. Things will get more clear with such kind of test drive.
Inquirer: 1) Attachment for me is that emotional thing with someone. It is actually more like a fear of loosing someone or something. I see myself attached to some people in my life. I see that I also think of the time of Loosing them. I don't want these thoughts of loosing them, It does not let me be there with them totally. And Actually sometimes it also helps, I think may be someday that person will die, so this is the time, now is the time to be totally be with him or her.
Light: :) so what you shared above also proves that fear is nothing but ego, as it was shared before that pain is ego and pleasure is ego, one form of pain is fear and so fear is also ego... if will make some graphic representation of ego then it will look something like this:
+ 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 +
------------------------------
Lower peak <----------------------------- ego="" nbsp="" wbr="">---------> Higher peak
Higher peak - Arrogance, boasting, self gratification, over confidence, over pampering, over caring, superiority complex, attitude, revolt, competition, comparisons, criticisms, judgement, prejudicises etc.
Lower peak - low self esteem, low/no confidence, inferiority complex, insecurities, fears, phobias, hurt etc.
The number 0 to 10 + represents the degree how intense it is... 0 means none and 1 means 10% and 2 means 20% like wise...
